Talkin' Bout (Self) LOVE
Sometimes love makes me feel like the above photo. Like giving up, in the good way. Letting go, shaking loose, being how I am because I know I have no choice in the matter.
I've been thinking (and talking) a lot about love lately. It's a weird thing that we do, loving each other... really trying to love each person the way they want us to and trying to be something that they love, too. I've often been frustrated with how people try to love me (or when they don't try) and recently I realized it's not because I don't love myself enough and need their appreciation; it's that I know how to love myself better than anyone else, so it frustrates me to spend so much time with people in this wondering about the best way to do things.
Why bother? Why spend so much time trying to get somebody else to love you in a way that you've perfected?
Well - here's why (How I explained it to myself):
First, there's a reason you know how to love you like this. Before another person was involved, YOU (me, we) spent a huge amount of time learning every nook and cranny of yourself. Taken the time to sit in the darkest parts of your heart and gotten to know them. You've done the (internal) house cleaning of cobwebs and dust. You've also spent time in the lightest parts. You know what makes you joyful and what food is your favorite and exactly where you want to be at what time of day ideally. You know the in-betweens. What it feels like to have a mundane day with yourself. What it looks like when you're uninspired. It took you years to learn all of these things... you can't expect somebody else to get it in a sliver of the time. If they are trying, experiencing being in love with another person is worth the try.
Here's also why:
THIS moment is where real love comes in. For yourself and for another. How patient can you be while somebody gets to know how you wanna be loved? How can you do your best to get to know them, instead of making snap judgments? As I said before, you've lived your whole life in your head and your body. You (likely) know yourself better than anybody. And they know theirs, better than anybody. This is where the second point of real love comes in and this time it's about self-acceptance. Yeah, you thought you perfected self love? Turns out there's more to it and it's not entirely about LOVING as it is about ACCEPTING. When you're loving someone and someone is loving you, you see each other fully - I describe this sensation as having no more skin on my body, like my heart is outside of my chest floating in the middle of the room. Who knew we were both this ugly?
So you see and you don't like what you see and then there is something you like and you wanna see more of that, yes we love that part. They have this experience with you as well. So not only am I saying we need to see and accept our partners as they are and not how we wished they were, but we need to see and accept ourselves as we are instead of molding ourselves into what we think their perfect person is.
This is part can be heartbreaking and painful because it turns out here, we didn't actually do such a great job of loving ourselves, did we? We loved parts of ourselves and ignored others. Told them to quiet down, nobody wants to hear that part. But now, in the light of another person, we can see that part clear as day. So where the real love comes in, is in this place; how accepting of all of ourselves can we be? If this part of me made somebody else not love me anymore, how accepting of it can I be? Because it is here, full force. If I am okay with parts of myself by myself, but not with other people, why is that? What am I afraid of? That person leaving?
If someone leaves you because of a part of yourself, at least they're leaving ALL of you. You are wholly intact. If only they'd taken that bad part with them, though, right? If you mold yourself into being something "more lovable" and somebody stays with you, they're not staying with all of you and the truth is, hiding parts of yourself is exhausting. This kind of love will make you tired.
The kind of love that won't:
It isn't necessarily something shown, or a gift given or taken. It's a way of doing things. You act in a natural way. You see the things that need to be done and you do them. When you have this real love, BIG love, there's nothing to prove. There are hardly words to muster up. You don't have to defend yourself. You no longer have to be on guard. You know you are what you are and the same is true for everybody else and at the same time you also know that everybody will change slightly all of the time. So in this experience of a king of expansive love, we adopt a certain fluid acceptance. We ride the waves of new experience, reaction, thought, release, steadiness...and back. Over and over and over. We become closer with each action and each experience when we continually ask ourselves, what is the most loving thing to do here? From what you're eating to who you're spending time with to how you're acting or reacting to some external stimulus. What's the most loving thing to do? (The trick is to include actions that are loving to you, too).
So after all of this, why bother? What's the point of heartbreaking, painful, mundane, exciting love? I don't think I have an exact answer right now except, what else are you going to do?